eurekahakuro

So You Know

2008-12-11T23:07:02Z

I will no longer be using this livejournal. I have moved on. And this journal only reminds of the shit I loathe, and have dealt with already. I've buried it all and moved on.

I have a new livejournal though.

You can try to find it if you want.
I doubt you'll even be able to find it anyway.

Hah, don't expect me to give you my username though :]

Its Annoying

2008-11-18T00:40:27Z

I have come to the realization that many people on Comicvine are really immature. Or just need to find something better to do with their lives. Rather than chasing after people day and night. Harrassing people over the internet is stupid. They're caring too much about people they'll never meet.
And the immaturity age ranges from 13 year olds to early 30's. LOLOL early 30's. How lame.

There are the people who are hopelessly in love with people over the net. I mean ewh. Grow up and find someone in real life. It's kind of creepy anyway.

Then there are the people who are offered 2nd chances, and then they shit all over that person. By talking shit, laughing about them, making bets about them, etc. Wow. You're a real prick you know that? Get a life. Stop talking shit about someone you'll never meet. They're probably just really fat and greasy with a combover anyway. HOT. (EPICSARCASM!)

Then there are those stalkers. That act like what they're doing is normal, when in reality its just fucking weird. They'll get on their hands and knees for them. Beg them and kiss their feet (well their "internet feet"). They'll suck up to that one person so much that it makes you sick. Impressing people you've never met before? ROFL. Ewh. It's not like their God. Imitating/copying them isn't going to make you be or look like them more. In the end, all you would have achieved is...Being someone who has no personality whatsoever. Also, a fake. How wonderful. Seriously, get off their d!ck already.

OH. Then there are those racist pricks. Who just seriously need to burn in Hell. Obviously they don't believe in Civil rights or Women's rights, etc. All of those wonderful rights. Racism is lame. A lot of people on this site already have to deal with it in real life (such as...Me for example!). Even if you insinuate racist comments or anything. It'll still crawl under people's skin. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Most of us come to this site to get away from that nonsense in real life. Hence the reason why, you can create SUPERHEROS! Or Supervillains. Or neutrals if you're indecisive. Whatever. But, racism? Keep it the fuck back. No one likes a racist or a sexist bitch. Like saying "pimp slap"? WTF? That's not even funny in the first place, whether your sexist or not. How old are you again? 12? Hmm it seems so. Because "pimp-slapping them hoes" is hilarious. HA. HA. HA. Negative. I remember when I was in middle school, so many kids would joke around about that. And guess what. It was really lame.

Uhmm...Hmmm. My writing is pretty bad right now. But, I was on the phone earlier and I got frustrated. SO! I decided to write in this crap for once. This thing I don't use. OHMYGOD!
NOSY PEOPLE. So obnoxious. Who likes a nosy person? Not I. Who likes to associate with one? Not I. Just seriously...Shove it. If we wanted to tell you we would have told you a while ago.

Hmmmmmmmm. Then. There are the gross perverts. Who like to get off on drawn women who look really disgusting, and unrealistic. Like my sister said, "If they beat off to hentai, OBVIOUSLY they've never had sex before". AGREED! Or they're just gross. Like yes we understand Lady Death is half-naked. But...She's...ANIMATED. Ughh nasty shit.

Don't even get me started on the hippies that are this site. Like smoking weed...So unattractive. And you look like a total bum. And hippies. Shut the fuck about your "Peace & Love" shit. Sorry sweet this is 2008, not the 60's. You're not gonna fly away on your damn sparkly wings. You're not gonna hear the fucking colors. You don't fucking hear colors. You see them. "Oh, what was that green? You look like lettuce? Worddddd" SHOVEIT! You're all gross. Have fun destroying your brain cells and getting fat you sexy thangs you.

Then there are those people whose heads are up their asses. Running around saying they can kick my ass or someone else's. I'm sorry? Do I know you? We haven't even fought yet, so once again shove it. You're not all that. Even if you've been around longer than I have. You're just fucking old.

Oh. And those people who are making new accounts and running into threads playing stupid...Just...Shut the fuck up. You're a nuisance.

Moral Perfection

2008-11-09T20:48:57Z

We have to write about Moral Perfection for my English class.
In MY opinion. I think its impossible to achieve moral prefection in the 21st century. Since my generation has so many influences stricken upon it. Such as...Sex, drugs, alcohol, television, public schools, politics, etc. When back in Benjamin Franklin's day, they had schools that could only teach 12 kids, etc. And there were no televisions, and back then, families were always together. Working. Not many people in North America would really know what's going on back in England. So, whether their King is trying to plot their doom.....Well they won't know. During Ben Franklin's time, time was limited. So, its easier to achieve "Moral Perfection". But, I'm sure even he was a sinner. Nobody is perfect.

But. That doesn't stop me from growing disgusted with kids my age. Despite how "un-perfect" (Not a word, I know) they are. I'm not perfect. I loathe perfectionists actually. But, I don't drink or do drugs, and I don't fool around =] Dumb sluts.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........................I can't wait to graduate. I want to leave, ASAP. College, Japan, and Seoul here I come :3

Today. I went to church with my parents and grandparents. After we went to eat lunch. But, we really ate a breakfast our lunch. I was so full afterwards x_x I've been trying to watch what I eat lately. Since, I wanna drop about 10 pounds or so. By, December 1st I'm going to go back to the gym. To help me achieve that goal, but also so I can build up some muscle for Softball in the Spring. Eek, report cards came out recently. I hope I did okay.

Uhh. I'm tired. I still have to start my paper for English, make up another aphorism, and write my post for the RPG. While I was at church, I really felt like writing. But, obviously I couldn't lawl.

I don't even know why I'm posting in this. I think I want to make a new livejournal. To get away from the people I once knew. I don't want them reading my shit, and all. But. I'm also real lazy. OH OH. And Obama is the new president, EPICWIN. I'm so happy. I usually never paid attention to things like that. But, ever since I took Civics class this year. I've been more interested in it. Also, JFK and Bobby Kennedy were Epic. I did my project on JFK for Civics, and I think I did really well. And what he and his brother accomplished, is amazing. Aside from paying attention to political things, I was also paying attention to the Olympics over the summer. I never use to care for that.

I guess that's just me getting older. Hurrayyy.

Oh my birthday is in exactly 2 months from today. I'm gonna be 17. Weee. I don't want another party like I had last year. That was fucking Hell. I hated that shit. Waste of my damn time. Way too insane for my taste, and people bitched plus there were a thousand attention whores... you know. Lulz. This year I'm probably just going to hang out with, Ari, Rachy, Eileen, and Brandon. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's it. And we can go eat Japanese f00dz. WINN. That'd be the best birthday ever. Then, I wanna see my sister. So. Yeah.

I'm sleepy. Did I already mention that? I think I did.

My mommy had a dream about me last night. It was...weird. But, she liked it. She dreamt that I was in my early 30's or so. And I gave birth to an "adorable, chubby, baby girl". And apparently I looked attractive in my 30s, with perfect skin, long wavy hair, blahblah. She and I were bickering about how she's taking control. Like she wouldn't let me change my own baby. My mommy said that that dream was so cute, and everything. But, I didn't feel the same way about it. Me giving birth? Just doesn't really make me happy. I suppose that's just because I'm 16 years old and not in my late 20's. Then again I can't see me at age 30, settling and shit. I feel as though I'd be so ordinary. My entire life so obnoxious and plain. With screaming children, and then I'd be some guidance counselor or some shit. Dealing with obnoxious teenagers who are probably just making up half that shit to skip class. *sigh*

I honestly don't want to grow up. I do, but at the sametime I don't. It scares me. I mean I still would like to go to college, get a job and whatnot. But, settling down? Getting married? Having children? God damn that's so much shit. Alright I'm done bitching. Its creepying me out x__x

I'm feeling quite...Imaginative today. With a little bit of determination. Hence the Abarai Renji avatar.
I need to sleep.

Mellow.

2008-11-01T18:01:21Z

Sometimes I wish I could be...calm. More mellow really. Have a better understanding of the people and things that surround me day by day. I get inspired by something...But, that only lasts for five minutes to five days. It passes by so quickly. Perhaps I'm not the type of person to dwell on certain things. I wish I could stop thinking about people for just a moment, and just think about myself. Get the people out of my head for a little while - even the ones I care for most. Because I need to think about myself. To think about my future, and most importantly the present. I have always disregarded the present. But, now that I think more and more about how important the present is...I realized that what choices you make now will affect you in the future no matter what. I guess its like if I turned my gas stove on for warmth, a few minutes later my house could catch on fire. The present and the future intertwine almost, but then again are like black on white. Trying to stay away from one another but almost try to reach one another in some strange way? I need to fulfill more things for myself now, so then it can benefit me in the future. I'm good at boasting about what I want to do, and what I plan on doing. But...I never do anything about those plans. Those I plans I have literally written down on paper once, or have spoken, or just even have thought about. I know things take time. But, I suppose I'm just impatient; wanting to fit things in now.

My inspirtation to write this today was from the anime "5 Centimeters Per Second". I don't find it odd at all. The anime was calming, and almost simple with some happiness and sadness here and there. I thought it was lovely, despite how short it was. But, as some people say, "small things come in good packages" or however it goes. Like the 10 minutes anime, "Kigeki". Lets just say that I absolutely adored that anime.

Why do I dwell about on people that I don't even care about? I think about them, and like everyone else make a cruel comment. A needless one. And that comment some how affects me in the future. Maybe its Karma? But, I don't believe in Karma. Well, I'm just stubborn and refuse to believe it.

When I think about the future...I almost fear it. For example...Am I going to get into college? Am I going to become the person I've always dreamt about at age 15-16? Am I going to have a family? Or am I going to get my tubes tied, and adopt a child? Am I going to lose the weight I've always wanted to lose...anytime soon? Am I going to seclude myself? Or...Am I going to die tomorrow? Or maybe in a year...? Will I still know the four people I love now, in five years? I ask questions like every human being. So then the advertisements and the propaganda appear...And the cellphone text messaging. Telling you whose your lover or what your horoscope is like. I hate horoscopes, but I still type in my name and birthday in one to see what its like. Because its about me, and I'm just so curious to find out what's going to happen to me in a few months or so. What does the moon say for me? What is that Great Sea Goat...Capricorn going to do now? I hate horoscopes, I hate karma, and I hate asking so many questions. I ask trivial questions, stupid questions, and questions that aren't going to be answered. People tell me that I shouldn't say things like, "I love few and dislike many" or "I hate a lot of things". But, it's true. I even hate to say things like that, because it probably doesn't make me a very good person. But, its the truth. I hate many people. They mostly disgust me, terribly. Especially my generation. I hate them. All of them. Except for maybe four people, then I'm only interested in about a handful of people who are in my generation.

But, enough about that. I don't want to mention any names now.

I'm pretty high-strung.

And I think I have the flu. And Halloween candy makes me sick,...Anyone want mine?

Oh Happy November 1st.

Dear Monster

2008-10-04T13:55:22Z

Dear Monster,

I don't really know how to write to you. I wish I could apologize for everything I've done to you. But, I can't. I mean...What is there for me to apologize about? I'm sure I could create a whole handful of reasons up in my head right now. But, that just wouldn't make any sense now would it? Monster...I wish I could find a better name for you. I know your a woman, and probably a very beautiful woman. You've just changed - because you're angry. Your angry shows in your face. It mutitates your lovely features, and makes you appear cold and freightening. You look down on me - I know. You tear at my flesh, make me bleed and vomit my insides up from my mouth. You want to rip me apart.
But, you're holding back because you can't. If you rip me apart - you'll think to yourself: "Then whose going to see me? Whose going to give me the attention I need? Whose going to care about me?" You need me like I need you. We're like our own life forces, constantly depending on one another. But, you want to be released. You want to see the world once again - If I have ever let you see the light that is.

What do you want from me?

Is the main question in our whole predicament. I don't know Monster. Perhaps your name is Angelica Gray Sargent. Maybe you're me. But, the thing is I'm not beautiful. And you're mad at me about that. About how I'm not beautiful. I'm so...........not sorry. Ugh, I don't fucking know. This is driving me insane. You drive me insane. You shove your needles in my fucking throat, and my wrists. Cutting every so deeply to just make me bleed a fountain of blood. You lay on my back, your white bones digging into my flesh. My back hurts, so much nowadays. I'm tired of vomiting up my insides. Its so much - I'm sick of it. I want it to stop. Please. I don't know what to give you anymore. What can I do for you?

Well the better question is, what can you do for me?

- Angelica

Writer's Block: Greenery

2008-09-15T19:38:43Z

Today in 1971, Greenpeace was founded. How are you helping to keep your section of Earth green these days?

View 500 Answers

Well in my house.

We recycle and have a compost outside.
We also separate: what are cans, bottles, plastic, cardboard, and regular garbage that can just go together.

They all have their own garbage can under my deck =P
And we go to the dump whenever the cans get full.

And we always try to be resourceful with our electricity and water.
Like if we walk out of a room, we always turn the lights off.
And with the shower we don't walk away from the shower and "wait" - just so the water gets hot, etc.
We just go right in xP

If that makes ANY sense.

WOOO GO GREEN XD

Nightmare

2008-09-12T01:45:37Z

I had my first nightmare in a while about two nights ago. My sleep has been so restless lately. I wake up about 3-4 times a night, and I wake up in a cold sweat. It's irritating. And then all throughout the next day, I'm absolutely exhausted.

But, as I was saying about my nightmare.
I was running back and forth along a rooftop of a castle. The castle was so high-up that I couldn't even see the ground below me. It was really windy out and the sky was cloudy and gray. I was running back and forth because this strange creature was chasing me. It wore a long black cloak, so I couldn't see its face. Its long pale arms that had translucent looking skin, stretched out towards me. Trying to grab me. Its claws were like thick talons. As it chased me it made an eerie screeching sound.

I was trembling and sweating. And I couldn't scream for help. My voice felt blocked.

And once the creature finally got a hold of me - its arms wrapped around my body like a snake. Its claws digging into my wrists and chest. I began to vomit uncontrolably. Large amounts of blood and bile. I couldn't stop.

I finally woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I found blood in my bed.

Last night I had the same dream. Only I just woke up in a cold sweat once again.

I think its the Monster. And this time its chasing me in my sleep.

Oh? It's Just That Chick Playing That Broken Accordian

2008-09-12T01:08:59Z

I really haven't posted in quite sometime now. I'm so very sorry livejournal. Bah.

Hmm... so school has already started for me... Obviously. And I'm actually trying in school this time. I do all of my work, and I hand it all in on time. I think its great. Ah yes I also finally got a job. Its been going great for me for a while now. Until I got a call from Yi Quan last night telling me that Mei Jing wants to cut my hours by five. I was so pissed. I only work five hours a week for two days. That is ridiculous. I want my 10 hours + 4 days back! Whatever, I'll talk to her more about it tomorrow. I mean come on, I can't be that bad. I've only been working there for four days now. And they just threw me into the fire, and gave me no training. So for a noob, I would say that I was doing a pretty good job at my work.

Ah yes. And as for Comicvine - I would say I'm getting fairly well known there. I guess. I mean my character is pretty Epic. Anyway. So, today I got into this debate with this asshole of a moderator in one of the threads. Well, I'm sorry Mister Moderator that you prefer sluts over brains AKA Starfire (Slut) vs Oracle (Brain). And Oracle is the fucking shit<3

I want to be tough.
I want to be reckless.
I want to be intelligent.
I want to be stunning.
I want to be open-minded.
I don't want to give a shit about them anymore.

Today in Civics we watched a documentry on 9/11. I've seen some shows and a few documentries on 9/11 in the past. But, by far. This was one of the worst and most graphic ones I have ever seen. I had to clench my teeth tightly together so that I wouldn't start crying in the middle of class. Throughout the documentry it showed live footage and clips of: Voicemails, Phone calls, the employees of the World Trade Center jumping out of the building, an interview with Osama Bin Laden, court hearings, protestors, and more. You see...My family lost someone in 9/11, and her name was Sandra Fajardo. If my judgemental aunt Jean wasn't my Godmother it would have been Sandra. I lost Sandra when I was in fifth grade. And the last time I got to spend any time with her was at my house ~ it was my mom, Sandra, and I. I was playing with a grasshopper while my mom and Sandra walked around the yard and talked...and laughed. Sandra walked over to the bench I was sitting on and got grossed out about the grasshopper. Because I kept showing it to her and talking about it. Then the grasshopper jumped into her dress, which was really amusing at my age. She hopped around just like that grasshopper, and she tried to shake it out of her dress. Sandra slept over that same night. She slept in my bedroom, which was when I had two twin sized beds in there. I woke up the next morning, and Sandra was already awake. I asked her where she worked, and she told me that she worked in New York City ~ in the World Trade Center. The first building on the very top floor. I didn't know what she did there, because I didn't understand all of it at that age.

When September 11th came around ~ all of the schools had early dismissal - immediately. No one had any idea about what was going on. So I laughed on the bus with my friends. Not having a care in the world. When I got home my whole family was seated at the couch - watching the news intently. I still, had no idea about what was going on.
My mom had tried to call Sandra, but no one picked up the phone...
She left for New York City with Sandra's sister Wanda. The two spent about two weeks in the city looking for Sandra. Going to hospitals, arguing with people, searching, searching, and searching everywhere for Sandra. My Aunt Stacey babysat us while she was away. And when she came back, I remember then. Even after 7 years I remember the look on my mother's face when she walked through the doors. I was so happy to see her despite the dreaded and mournful look painted across my mother's face. There were deep circles underneath her big brown eyes. Her face looked older, as though it had aged quickly. Her body look slim and fragile. She smelled like the city and her personal lovely scent, untouched by perfumes. She came over to my brother, sister, and I. Telling us that she didn't find Sandra. That Sandra was gone. Pedro began to cry immediately. I stared at his face, as it scrunched up and turned bright red. I remember feeling so many mixed emotions inside me.

My mother had lost her best friend.
I had lost my would-have-been-godmother.
We had lost the woman who was like our 2nd mother.
I remember my mom embracing us; whereas I eventually began to cry. Stacey stood by the couch awkwardly, not knowing what to do in that situation.

I remember going to the funeral for Sandra. My father had written something for her. Not like a memorial type of writing. But a letter to Sandra. My father has always been well-known in our family for his wonderful writing, that could bring someone to tears easily. I was with Ari - my best friend at the funeral. I didn't cry the entire time throughout the funeral. I just listened to spoken words that I could not understand. The tearful cries that escaped people's lips. Towards the end of the funeral thats when I started.

A few years later. I was at Church, it was Ash wednesday. The thought of ashes that day made me think of Sandra. The fact that she was killed on impact because of the planes. I started to cry in the middle of the service. I think I was in 6th or 7th grade then.

So Sandra. I really wish I could have spent more time with you. I really wish that I could have gone to your apartment 8 years ago.I wish you could have watched me grow up. I wish you could come to my graduation in 2010. I really wish that I could talk to you right now. I really wish that I could see you right now. I'm never going to forget those last moments we had spent together 7 years ago. I really miss you. I really miss how you used to play with my long hair. Call me your own "daughter". Give me affection, affection that really felt like a mother's love. I miss your laughter, and your voice that had a hint of raspy-ness to it. You were always so much fun.

R.I.P: Sandra 9/11

One day. I was outside in the garden with my mommy.
We were picking flowers for Arianna's father, whose mother had passed away.
A grasshopper was watching us upon one of the leaves of the flowers.
She was a lovely green color.
Her name was Sandra.

Still Alive

2008-09-03T20:57:04Z

Last night I laid in bed; I was still awake. My eyes were closed. And I laid there watching those pale figures dance behind my eyelids. All of the figures holding hands. Some of the figures stood very straight, while some of the others slumped over. They all held hands still. They had no faces. And they resembled marrionette puppets. Wisps of gold and silver clouded my mind. I could hear the slight rustles outside of my bedroom door. The murmurring of the television set in my parents room. Zippers ripping open and shutting quickly. Suitcases. My Dad's chuckle to the TV's talk. My Mom silent as she packed for her trip. My sister settled into bed at my Grandparent's house, with her laptop on and running.

And then there I was. Laying in bed making an attempt to fall asleep. Wishing that I could just sleep the days away.
Forever.

In Latin

2008-08-17T06:52:39Z

Lacrimosa dies illa

Qua resurget ex favilla

Judicandus homo reus.

Huic ergo parce, Deus:

Pie Jesu Domine

English:

Tearful that day

On which will rise from ashes

Guilty man for judgment.

So have mercy, O God, on this person.

Compassionate Lord Jesus

^ I just really liked that hymn ~ apparently its from the 13 century.
I listened to it for the first time in D. Grey-Man (episode 5).

Child Prey

2008-08-13T20:42:28Z

^ Name of a Dir En Grey song. I had no idea what to make as the subject - and I hate leaving the subject blank. By the way that song is just super!

Yeahh. I haven't posted in a while. Oh well.

I have therapy today. Wooo. And then I'm going to the gym afterwards - my grandma is taking me there.

I guess I've been "out and about" lately. I was at my grandma's house with my sister all last weekend. I got my hair trimmed (it doesn't look that much different, just the dead ends are gone). What I hate about my hair though - is that my mom has to go on about how "normal" looking it is now and how much "better it looks now". What? You know I don't do normal mommy. Gtfo away from my hair now.

I'm not going to NC with Rachy anymore. Some stuff came up between her mother and I, and I'll just leave that the way it is. But, I really hope Rachy has a good time in NC :o) I would have loved to go with her.

I had a job interview with Hot Topic recently. It was a nervewrecking for me. I thought I was going to throw up on the table in the middle of the interview. Hmm that'd be real pleasant. They'd certainly remember by face if that happened, lawl. They called me back last Saturday telling me that the position was already filled. To my surprise I wasn't upset at all - in fact I kind of didn't care. I somewhat prepared myself for it. Besides I learned from it, etc. But, the manager said that if I'm still interested in the job that he could call me in September. In August he really needed one more position filled because it was going to be crazy. But in September he said to me that they're going to need more people. Hurray. I'm still handing in my application to Rite Aid :P I just want a job.

My allergies are horrible. My sinuses are all sore too. Then while I was reading the BB Murder Cases today, I couldn't stop sneezing. I thought my throat was going to explode or something. Gah I have a headache right now.

So lately - I've been attempting to distance myself from CV. It's time consuming and I need to start preparing myself for school. The day school starts I'm going to ask my dad to put a password on the computer. So then I can focus more of my time in my studies and whatnot. I want to try to keep all of my grades to a B - and not any lower. Then I can start practicing to study for tests. My last two years of high school are going to be really time consuming. Especially since I want to play softball for the school. And before softball season starts I'm hoping to take up Muay Thai kickboxing in Danbury. I just hope that I can afford it and they'll accept me into the school - based on my age, etc. Plus I'm hopefully going to be working by then.

And I need money really soon. I need to start saving up for the convention in September! It'll be Sara, Ari, and I. Wee ^^

Ahh let me tell you. I really need to change my look. It's so boring. I look like everyone else in this stupid town. Hmmm.

I was at Ari's a few days ago and I was looking up stuff on the Uccon website. I really want to go there by the way. They offer a foreign exchange student thing for the academic year, fall and spring to Japan. God I want to do that so badly. You need a 3.0 average to do so. They don't even offer scholarships for it (who knows if they ever will?). All I know is that I really really want to go to that. It'll be an amazing experience and I would finally be able to experience the culture, the people, and the country that I'm so in love with.

Immortal Waters

2008-07-20T06:27:02Z

It is impossible to defeat death. Death is indestructible. People die to create new life. People die for the world to keep on "spinning". Death is inevitable. I'm not quite sure as to why I was thinking about Immortality today. Well...wait. I got myself back on track to reading Immortal Rain again, and I bought volume four of the series (finally). As I was re-reading the volumes I have now, I had never realized that this book is so emotionally draining. The immortal man Rain lived such a sad life, and Machika is so in love with him. The two are both in love with one another. And yet Yuca is a Methuselah, and he comes back every 600 years, and his goal is for him and Rain to die together with the world. I feel bad for Yuca, but at the sametime I detest him. He is such a selfish person. But, I bet he was always so lonely. To be born time and time again. In a new era, and remembering everything from his past. Anyway, I was looking up some stuff online about Immortality. I can't believe that scientists actually try to figure out and have immortality actually become successful. I can only see faults with the subject of Immortality. Immoritality and becoming a Methuselah in general is so tiring; it is such a lonely subject. It is impossible. And complex to an extent.

In general I have always been utterly confused on my opinions and affections of religion. My entire family believes in God, and most of them are strong Christian believers. I mean...I believe in God. But, not so much that I will depend on him. And put everything into "God's hands". No, I will put it into my hands and trust myself. I will be the one to figure things out. I will be the one to guide myself in whatever path I decide to take. I will be the leader. I will not follow. I don't believe that people go to Heaven nor Hell whether or not they had commit sins throughout their lives. This world is not perfect. I feel like people are going to yell at me for saying such things heh >.<;; Anyway, I believe in reincarnation. Not the reincarnation that, 'if you make good choices throughout your life then when you are born again you will live a happy life, but if you make bad choices throughout your life, then when you are born again, you will then live a unhappy life'. Not that sort of reincarnation. A friend of mine asked me why I believed in reincarnation the other day. My full answer is this: I do not believe that you live one life and that is it. I believe that you live various lives. And new souls are reborn every few years. I feel as though my soul is an aged soul, that has lived many lives. Because whether I'm reading, listening, watching, acting out something, in certain cases it feels so strongly familiar to me. It's not even dejavu. It's as though I have experienced that in the past. As though I have lived and physically experienced whatever it was before. For example: In my past life I believe that I was once a hyena. Strange and almost an ugly-like animal to pick. It sounds so strange, but...When I was younger and up until I was almost 11 years old, I use to run up the stairs on all fours perfectly. Except, I walked like a hyena. My back arched and strange. When I was little I used to act like an animal ahahahaha. But that's not the point; I remember one day I was running up the stairs. And the experience just felt too similar. It wasn't like the other thousand times I've ran up the stairs on all fours like a lunatic. It was as though I was once that mangey animal. As though I was staring through the eyes of it. Heh I bet the world thinks I'm crazy ._.;;

As I was reading Immortal Rain (vol 4) tonight, the first page really caught my eye. It had said:

God said,
"Live"
"Love"
"Fight"
"Kill"
"Eat"
"Give Birth"
"Repeat"

We were bound in chains.

The world was made by people and it overflowed till we could no longer breathe.

We didn't know.

That God left us here.

Yet we continue to dance the endless dance.

Even when both of our legs are covered in blood.

Reading that made me feel, so....out of place. That's not the correct choice of words for what I was feeling at that moment. But, even so, I still felt, I suppose apathetic is the correct choice of words? My mind went blank. I knew Yuca was the one who, of course was the character who would "feel those words" best.

Last night I couldn't sleep well at all. Despite that everything was set just the way I like it in the room, I just had a very difficult time sleeping. More so than usual. The room was pitch black minus the lighted numbers from the air conditioner. Plus the AC was on, making the room cold. I was sleeping on the floor like I normally enjoy. I was also listening to my iPod.
I was staring up into the dark again. And my arms began to ache. I felt the monster's long fingers stretched out for my eyes. It's claws reaching for me. I started to cry. I couldn't shut my eyes. I couldn't look away from those clawed fingers. The claws that ache to peel flesh from bone. The flesh it hasn't tasted in so long. I wanted to scream and run downstairs. I wanted to shove my arms in water so cold it burned. I wanted to sit outside and feel the humidity wrap me up. But, instead I hugged my body tight. And I turned on to my side. Eventually I fell asleep, I'm thinking around 5:30AM-ish. I fell asleep crying. Fucking pussy :/

Today (well er yesterday more like it) I hung out with my sister Sara, yay. The night before we saw Batman at the midnight showing. And it was fecking AMAZING. Gahh, we rammed into people as we tried to make our way through the crowd of people seated. Well Sara bumped into this lady. The lady made a fit about it, and Sara just said, "Sorry lady it IS dark in here after all". The theatre seemed to get a kick out of it, rofl. I actually may see Batman again tomorrow, but with Rachy and her little friends from Whiteplains. Blah, I hope it's not awkward tomorrow. Any who, Sara and I also went to the mall and Borders today. We (mostly she did actually) talked to the guy at Hot Topic for a while about Comics and whatnot. It was interesting to see Sara get into comics like that ^^ It reminded me of myself when I talk about anime for hours, heh. She bought shoe laces, the Batman anime DVD, Batman action figures, and pocky. I bought Immortal Rain at Borders, where we ended up spending about an hour and 15 minutes in...the anime department lawl I probably could've stayed in there longer, knowing me x__x

Fly

2008-07-11T07:10:27Z

I don't know how to fly.

I spread my wings forth, as I take a step closer to the great edge before me. Inhaling aged air, that has been cycled for years. Carbon Dioxide to Oxygen, and so on. My wings crack and ache from being folded beneath my old bones. Once spread, my bones will break. The bones that have aged as well as the air that fills my body. I've waited until the end of time to fall from the clouds. To be released from their grasp. To drop me. To drop me into the oceans - waves that have called me for what feels like centuries now. My bones are brittle and gray. I choke up my bones into my palms, watching them turn into dust quickly. How long has it been now? How long have I been hanging from the cloud's strings. Those strings that have gripped every joint on my body. That have cut through my flesh. Ripping flesh to bone. Leaving my blood to soak my hands. A thick black oil comes seeping from my lips. Opening up the dried cracks that have formed on my bottom lip. Filling them. The black oil drips from my mouth, to my neck, to my feet. Leaving my body covered in a thick muck, mixed with blood and oil. My feathery white wings rustle as the wind blows. The wind whipping through my hair. My hair that has been stained so many times. To hide the identity that I have carried from the very beginning. My eyes deeply surrounded by lack of rest. The shadows that form half circles beneath my eyes. The eyes that have watched everyone for so long. My eyes are tired. My eyes are stained with worry. Stained with fear. Stained with boredom. My body's flesh is bruised, my muscles aching. Aching from walking. Aching from standing to watch the world turn. But, my wings are spread. They look upon the world in a smile. They are free. They are fresh. They have yet to be soaked with blood. My wings are my children, I have protected them throughout the centuries. And now it is their turn to protect me. I take a step off the edge, pretending it is more solid ground for my feet. My wings begin to beat hard against the wind. The sky presses down on me. The cloud's hands shoving me towards the waters. It's weight heavily weighing me down. But I continue to fall. Twirling, spinning towards the ocean. My cracked lips twitch into a smile as I hit the salty waters.

It then occurred to me that the ocean and I have never met before...

Extra Strength

2008-07-10T19:58:51Z

For all nail types - says the back of the nailpolish remover. I just painted my finger nails bright pink. It's sloppy, but I kind of like it anyway. They match my toes. But my mommy painted my toe nails, and she did a great job heh. I should paint her toe nails, but I kind of suck at painting toe nails anyway.

I'm feeling quite peaceful today. I woke up at 11:30, made myelf some toast and I grabbed myself a yogurt and a glass of orange juice. And I've been watching Samurai Champloo all morning. I never really noticed how good that show was until this morning heh. I've always watched it on and off when it use to play on Cartoon Network (Adult Swim).

My dad came home for a bit to eat lunch. He went back to work right away. I kind of wanted him to hang around, to talk to me more. I haven't really been able to spend any time with him lately. Well, I never get to spend any time with him. He's always working. But, it's important for the family!

I hope that in all of my entries I write on this site - that it doesn't sound like I'm some depressed whiny little girl. By skimming some of the entries I've written, I can tell that I sound annoying in most of them. But, I don't even think anyone reads this. So, that's good on my part :]

My hair is getting so long. I still have this weird and random chopped off section on my hair. I have two lengths to my hair, one of the lengths stops about an inch past my chin (I think) while the other length stops ... right above the "female chest area" :P rofl. But, I'm happy that it's getting long. I hope that it reaches my elbows by the time school starts. ....What wishful thinking. My hair grows so slow, gahh.

I'm hoping that I can see Ari tonight. Maybe plan a sleepover with her and whatnot. I miss my best friend. I've only hung out with her twice this whole summer. And I want to hang out with her a lot more during our vacation. Right now Ari's in the city at her sister's house; hanging out with her family and stuff. I hope she's having a good time ^_^ I want to hear all about it when she comes back <- I have been talking to her online at night though. But y'know :P

I wish my days were like this everyday. Feeling at peace. Feeling light. Feeling calm. And day dreaming about simplicity.
Lately I've been having dreams about my friends that I haven't spoken to in a while. Last night I had a dream about Sean - kind of strange I guess. And we were walking around the mall, and talking to about random stuff. Then we went to the pet store, and were playing with ferrets and kittens...Hahahaha. Then I woke up, and my cat Kiki was sitting next to me. Staring at me, and purring. Last time I had a dream about one of my friends, it was Brandon. The next morning I immediately tried to get into contact with him. I always feel like those dreams are kind of like signals. Telling me to go talk to the person and to stay in touch. Because they're reminding me that I'm about to "lose contact" with that person. I hope I get to hang out with Brandon soon! And Eileen, definitely :]

I feel like going to Borders to get more manga books. There's this one "Death Note" book, a legit book that I want really badly. Speaking of Death Note I am proud to say that I've watched all three Death Note films and I've seen the entire Death Note anime. Hurray! Besides from Borders I really want to go to Gamestop too. I want to buy Onimusha 3 (play it all over again, and beat it) and Xenosaga. Ari tells me Xenosaga is a really good game. There was also a few other games I spotted in Gamestop the last time I went inside one; and I wanted them really bad :3

Bye.

Hydra

2008-07-09T23:06:36Z

I'm wearing flannel pants in 81 degree weather...And I'm actually quite comfortable. I wonder how much fat I've produced around my body in the past 2 weeks too...Uhhh yes rofl. How annoying to read. But, anyway, I finished "Glass" today - and it's not bad; I really liked it. Just Kristina (main character) is an idiot. But, "Glass" isn't one of my favorite books by Ellen Hopkins. My favorite books that that author wrote are "Burned" and "Impulse". "Crank" & "Glass" drove me crazy because Kristina was digging herself a deeper hole after every page I turned. And it just makes you want to shake and scream at her. In "Glass" Kristina got into much deeper shit. Ended being kicked out of her house, living with a loser boyfriend, eventually leaving the apartment and living out of her boyfriend's car, and then they get arrested for carrying half a pound of crystal meth that was imported from Mexico - in their car. Plus they weren't even in their own state, they left Nevada and drove to California. Jeez. Then Kristina's prego, again. Why do I read books about people like this? Blah. I have no sympathy whatsoever for drug addicts or alcoholics. It's their fucking problem. I still have to finish the book "You Suck" by Christopher Moore. I'm almost finished - the book isn't long at all. It's basically about perverted vampires who need to get away from some old creepy vampire and a vampire hooker. A bit weird? I agree. The problem with that book is that it just drones on & on. I feel like it's the longest book I've ever read when in reality it's one of the shortest books I've ever read. I keep putting it down and going back to it later. I guess I'l try to finish it tomorrow. I mean come on if I can read the entire "Twilight" series in a matter of a week, I can read finish this book by tomorrow - That kind of proves how much "You Suck" ... really does suck. My sister tells me that Christopher Moore has written better books than "You Suck", but I don't really plan on reading his other books at all - or anytime soon at least.

I've spent the past two days at home, mostly chatting with my mom here and there. Since she had Tuesday & Wednesday off from work. I know she's been really upset lately. Work and money is stressing her out a lot. And I can't do anything to help out, except do my chores around the house. I want to get a job of my own, so then I can help support myself plus buy stuff for myself. Also to start saving up for a car and school. I know my mom doesn't like that idea at all, heh. And moving to some place smaller has been on my Dad's mind lately; to be honest, that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to sound like some pompous brat, but we used to be a middle class family. And could afford plenty, go and eat out at nice places, buy clothes. I mean I was too young to care about that stuff when it happened. But this situation developed when I was in 8th grade - I think (I don't really remember, but it wasn't TOO long ago). It's sad. My mom was just telling me last night, "Wow I used to have people paint my toe nails. And now I work at a spa, and I paint other people's toe nails. Imagine what can happen to you overnight." Yeah. I can imagine. My dad has two jobs now just like my mom. He works as a guard 3 times a week starting at 8PM until 2AM. I feel bad for them. Like I can't do shit D: It's stressful I think.

My mom and I talked about looking for a job for me. We're going to spend time on her next day off to go scavenge. Weee. I better get an effing job, SOON.

I suppose I'm going to go now. I'm kind of at a loss for words :]
BYES.

Kind Of Pointless

2008-07-07T00:51:32Z

Hmm...What to discuss...Today was kind of pointless. Except for the part when I cleaned my room and filled out some of an application. Which I'll finish filling out tomorrow.

My sister went back to school today. I miss her already.

Rachy slept over last night and we had a really good time I think. We were suppose to go out originally with Sara really late at night to just kind of chill. But, my mom was awake and people were arguing. So it never happened. Hopefully next time we can. But Rachy and I did go outside at midnight - one AM and we fired off fireworks in my street. We looked like bandits/gangsters with our bandanas over our faces, rofl.

I spoke to Dylan on the phone today. We haven't spoken in a while - and I'm kind of worried about him :[

Uhh....Wow. There's certainly nothing going on in my life. All last week was just really fulfilling. And now I feel like I'm back to my "boring routine". I should start making plans. I'm still not used to making plans. Because only a few months ago I was sitting inside my house for weeks. Before that though I had an insane social life. Now, I want a calm social life. That is still productive, but at the sametime I get the things I need done. Like chores and going to the gym. And still squeezing in my friends, etc. Plus I want a job. Holy shit I want too much, bahahaha. But, still I need some money and to experience more fitness. Then I can't be sitting around. I should probably make a schedule this week.

And then when I save up my money. I can buy the clothes I drool over everyday. Then I need to save up for the piercings that I hope to get soon. Gah, I also need to get fit by August + September. I should start fulfilling my promises I made to myself a few months ago. Starting now or tomorrow. Just really fucking soon.

Okay. I guess I'll run along now. Mostly to shut my face.

Angelica, Jecka, JeckaPHENOMENA, or JeckaDOOM?

2008-07-04T19:17:42Z

It seems like I have so many aliases. I mean. I know I'm Angelica. Or Jecka with my nickname.
It's kind of weird. It's a fucking collision of myspace and reality.

Grace (therapist) told me that I should follow my dreams. But, I carry so much doubt in myself deep within my chest. Like, a heavy stone was laid upon me. Or maybe I swallowed a bulky rock that's just stuck in my throat. Like, I have no say in what my goals are. Or my dreams. It's kind of sad when I think about it. How I take people's words so literally. I remember telling my mom last year that I wanted to be a makeup artist, and she said to me: "You're not going to make any money that way." And I stopped my dream of wanting to become a makeup artist after that. Never again did I think about being a makeup artist in the city. Until Monday and now. What the fuck?

By the way I have an ear infection, again. HURRAY.

I think I can probably daydream for hours. This morning I woke up at 11:30AM. I didn't get up off the couch until 12:30. I spent that entire time on the couch just daydreaming. About useless shit.

Oh here are some complaints about my grandparent's house. I had a no trouble with my grandma. It's just my grandpa...I felt like he was judging me physically. About my piercings or the shape of my body. And I felt like I was fucking stuttering for three days because I was trying not to mutter out "like" or "fuck" or even "crap" in front of my grandparents. I even get uncomfortable if I say, "oh my God" in front of my grandma. Because one day I said, "oh my God" in front of her. And she told me to change my language to "oh my GOSH". Blah, they're so prim and proper. But hey, what can you do about them. I mean I love them of course still. But, my grandpa. The way he worded himself with asking me if I wanted fucking desert. Or after I asked him a question, he'd answer my question and then tell me how many times I've "like" in a sentence. GOD, sorry I'm not exceptional with wording myself -__-

So, I think Karma, Fate, and Psychics is a crock of bullshit. Seriously. If you do something mean, it's not going to come back out and get you. I've been a dick plenty of times, and look I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT. And Fate. I just don't believe in destiny. Or love. Or "omfg, I was destined to be with him. He's my true love<3" Barf in my mouth, like everywhere. No thanks. I'm just...Too realistic for people's tastes sometimes. If anything, I go by "whatever happens - happens." And Psychics. Holy shit psychics and just go fucking burn. I hate them. With a damned firey passion. I don't care how nice they are, or how much "lovely bullshit information" they give you on your future. I just think its all lies. I mean come on my mom spoke to the psychic on the telephone, and the psychic made me out to be some machine that just pops out babies for a living. While my hubby comes home from work with his fucking briefcase, and he's like: "awww lookit the babies. Now where's my dinner bitch." No thanks. Again. I just look at some of the girls in my town, and they're all over their disgusting boyfriends, and talking about how they're going to get married and have kids, and be fucking "happy". And then, a couple of months later - they end. <- LOL. Fucking romance. I sound like a hypocrite though!
Because lately I've been wanting a date-ish or boyfriend thing. But, I'm not going to marry the kid. No way. I'm not going to want to spend the rest of my life with the person. mean in the future if whatever happens - it happens. ANYWAY I'M HARDLY MAKING ANY SENSE. I just don't believe in destiny/fate, or psychics.

HMMM. I want to be epic.
Rachy said to me yesterday, "I want to be a metal detecters biggest issue". Something of that nature. And you know what that's great. Rachy's such a great girl. She has these little outbursts of, "I don't give a shit". We're going to live in a tree house and have a bunch of piercings.
Man, I'm bored with my look. Blagh.

I'M DONE. I think I'm going to edit my CV profile <- FUCKING LOSER.

That Awful Feeling

2008-07-02T18:25:21Z

So I'm at my grandparent's house right now. And let me tell you, I'm having an epic time! :D
Yesterday I vaccumed for my grandma, then we went to the movies to see "Get Smart", and thennn we went to Friendlys for DIN-DIN. The chicken in my salad was horrible though...it tasted like rubber. I also went running yesterday and did all of my mini-at-home-exercises.
My grandpa poked fun at me and said that I was going to go on livejournal and complain about what a waste my "little trip" was.
Tomorrow we leave early in the morning (10:30AM) to go to my grandpa's doctors appointment. And then and then we can see SARA!! She sent me a text message this morning saying, "I can't wait to see you tomorrow!". It made me happy :3 although when I replied to her - I fell right back asleep.
Today I'm going to the new Borders with my grandma - there I'm going to check if they're hiring. I should have an advantage because my old math teacher works in the anime department - IRONIC? When we get back home, I'm going to go some yard work for my grandpa for about an hour.

So Monday I went to see my therapist. This was probably one of the best sessions I've had with Grace. I finally got to talk about the "monster" with her. I've never talked about it with anyone before. My only way of "venting" about the monster was through this site. Because if I tried to talk about it with anyone - it just wouldn't make any sense. Also I've never talked about with Grace before - reason why? Because, I'm afraid she'd think I was a crazy person. Plus, I never knew how to talk about "the monster". I don't think I'll ever talk about what "the monster" really is because it's online. Plus I don't think I'll ever discuss with another person (besides Grace) not even my friends because it's just a lot. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it to them. Gah, it's hard to talk about it. Grace told me that she wants me to talk about this "monster" more. And why it's a woman. Why it keeps coming back every now and again. Correcting me. Pushing me. I don't even know what the monster looks like...But I know she's a woman. Who knows? Who knows when the monster is going to finally leave me alone? Is it when I start ignoring things? Start putting a shield around me, and blocking things out? But, isn't that the wrong thing to do? Don't you have to learn how to face your fears eventually?
Last night I couldn't get to sleep. My left ear was sore because of this stupid on-going infection I've been having. But I was laying in bed, in the dark. I was staring straight up at the ceiling. I could hear the ceiling fan faintly over my headphones...I think I was listening to Exist Trace's "Judea" or "The Colors". It was strange because despite that my music was so loud through my headphones, I could still hear the silence that filled the room. Does that make any sense? Can you hear silence? But, anyway. I felt like I was staring straight into the monster's eyes. I don't know...I had that strange urge to pound sharp, cold metal into my flesh right there. To allow that sheer of cold to meet my warm blood once again. At 2:30AM. But...It's so disrespectful to do at my grandparent's house. Why of all places was I thinking about doing that at my grandparent's house? They're lovely people. Ugh, it makes me feel awful to discuss it.

I'm going to go now.

Soliciting

2008-06-29T04:35:26Z

I think J-Rock bands are the most amazing bands in the world. Despite that I can't tell what they're saying in their songs, hahaha...You can just hear in the vocals, the instruments, and even the movement of the band members how much they love their music. How much they are "really for" their music. It's amazing. J-Rock bands really inspire me to go out in the real world and speak my mind. Just the feeling of their music is amazing. I figured this all out last night, after watching Sadie's music video for their song "Meisai". Mao (lead singer) was incredible throughout the video. You could really see how much he was trying to speak his mind. With every lyric he sang and every movement he make. The expression in his eyes, just everything. It was wonderful. Even with the band Gazette, once the vocals stopped, and there was just instruments playing. Then altogether the whole band began headbanging (this was the song "Filth In The Beauty"), it was just brilliant! I can list, so many other bands who are really into their music such as: Dir En Gray, 12012, El Dorado, Girugamesh, and more ^^
I love American bands still and everything, but no offense...With some of the bands I see everyday - I can't really tell how much want to "get their point across". You know? But, that's just my opinion. One girl's opinion.

My hair has grown, so long. I love it heh. But, now that I think about it...How am I going to style my hair once it's up to my elbows? I'm, so used to making it big and poofy at this length. And once it's long...I can't make it "poofy" or "big". Gah, I'm in such a predicament. I suppose I'll just need to browse around for hairstyles online that interest me. That'll really be a pain in the ass.

Hahaha my dad just asked me, "What are you doing?"
Me: "Writing."
Him: "All night?"
Me: "I don't know...o_o;;"
Him: "Bahahaha *goes upstairs*"

So I've been getting into these "fits lately". And I'm wondering if, I'm going back to how was I a few months back? I need a change - mainly with my appearance. And one thing that's going to help me out in that department is if I get a job. Which equals receiving money. So then I can buy clothes and save up for more piercings. Also buy more makeup and hair products. I always get like this every few months. Where I need to change my physical appearance. Because then it makes me feel better about myself. I like the feel of different, and having people ask me new questions. Hm, you know. I really want snakebites. I don't give a shit what people say about it looking "ugly", etc. I actually think they're attractive ^^ If anything gauges are probably worse than snakebites <- and I have big gauges; compared to my friend's I have the biggest set. And as long as you take care of your facial piercings it won't scar. Anyway, enough bitching and moaning about how I can't get snakebites. I can just wait until I'm 18 or nearing the end of age 17 - if I still want them ^_^

Yuck...I have a beastly mosquito bite on my right forearm. It's irritating me...Blegh. Every night, at around midnight I get attacked by mosquitos. They all like to come out from the hiding places and torment me, rofl

Monday, at a quarter to six my grandma is driving me to therapy. I'll then be spending two days at my grandma's house :D
While I'm there we're probably going to go to the movies plus she'll give me some work to do around the house. And I'll get paid ^^
Then, July 3rd we'll be leaving my grandma's house at 10:30AM (not a minute later she says) to go to my grandpa's doctor appointment. While he's there, my grandma's going to drop me off at Sara's! ^__^ I AM SO EXCITED. Gahh, I miss Sara so much!

Speaking of Sara - I'm really worried about her. She's by herself 24/7 (excluding work). And I know she's been upset lately. I don't know. I just can't wait for Wednesday to come around. I know she'll be happy, and it'll make me feel a lot better. Heh :3

Following bands that are absolutely amazing:
Sadie "Meisai": http://youtube.com/watch?v=QeuiV7iIpRc
Dir En Gray "Obscure": http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ba4XesTa1vs
Gazette "Filth In The Beauty": http://youtube.com/watch?v=tTpmSC7h6_4
12012 "Shudder": http://youtube.com/watch?v=q6YyoG2NMVU
Girugamesh "Owari To Mirai": http://youtube.com/watch?v=gvqkMzVxe8E
Why I posted the following videos is, because those are the videos that; I noticed the band's love for their music. ^_^;; I feel like I'm advertising...blahh.

Dream World

2008-06-26T05:47:49Z

So it's summer vacation for me now. And it really doesn't feel like summer vacation. I feel like I'm just skipping school or that I'm just going to go back tomorrow. It's really strange. I've gotten more addicted to comicvine lately. I'm almost up to 1,000 posts <- dork, talking about her forum on her journal.

I've been exercising occassionally, and attempting to fill out applications for a job. Let me tell you: It's fucking annoying.
I have made plans for the summer too. Surprisingly.
Sometime this week: Hang out with Brandon + Eileen.
Tomorrow: Sleeping over Rachy's house.
July 3rd: Go to Sara's apartment
August 1st: Possibly go to Conneticon with Rachy (anime convention)
August 16th (I believe): North Carolina with Rachy for a week
And hopefully sometime in July I'll go to Projekt Revolution with Rachy!

I seriously need a job. I need money to save up for a costume for the anime conventions. Plus I need to start saving up money for a new wardrobe for school. Since the majority of stuff I'm going to buy will be purchased online. Gah, this is harder than I thought it would be.

Oh yeah my friend on comicvine - goes by Resonate. His real name is Jack though - I talked to him on the phone the other day! He's such a nice kid, with his little southern accent. Gahh. My friend from California - Nathan: he supposedly sent me a cake. Because I never got a "proper birthday cake". It's one of those cakes that get shipped to you overnight. Let's just see if this cake will come tomorrow, bahahaha. If it does, Rachy and I'll be consuming it tomorrow afternoon. Hurray. Nathan's such a sweet guy, I'm glad that I talk to him daily!

Anyway...this summer is going by so, slowly right now.

Slow.

Slower.

Slowest.

Well. I was feeling upset earliar and I just had this sudden urge to disuss my feelings about 15 minutes ago...But, the feeling kind of died. By the way you should all watch this awesome Death Note AMV that I just fell in love with tonight.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yi5ZKPxSLsw&feature=related

The computer room is being attacked by giant moths and ugly bugs that are the size of my thumbs right now. I've already killed four bugs. Wow, gross.

I want to live in Japan. I want to wear insane outfits and kimonos everyday. And eat pocky and sushi all day. Drink tea all day. Watch anime all day. And become a famous + wealthy novelist. And marry some beautiful man with a personality similar to mine who is hopelessly in love with me - as I am with him. We'll have a Sarloos Wolfhound as our pet and live in an enormous loft in Tokyo. My books will be translated in so many different languages and people will love me for them. I'll be able to speak four different languages fluently.

I can certainly dream.
Goodnight.
And what the FUCK.

15 Hours

2008-06-18T15:06:59Z

HAHAHAHAHAHA I got 15 hours of sleep last night - no lie.
By the way last time I ate was at 4:30 yesterday, afternoon.
Anyway, it was around 5:00PM and I was laying in bed on my stomach - looking out the window. Since I didn't feel like going downstairs to hear the wrath of my mom; and her complaining about exercise or whatever. Because when I got home from school I did go on the computer first thing.
So, I was practically falling asleep. And I look at my cat Kiki, "I think we should take a nap Keeks." So thats what Kiki and I did we took a nap for hours.
I woke up again at around 7:00 and I was too tired to get up so, I just went back to sleep. And then I woke up at 1:30AM. I contemplated on whether or not I should go online or maybe eat fruit or something. Because I felt like talking to my sister and to shutup my stomach from growling.
I ignored it and just went to my sister's room to go to sleep. And I slept until 10:00AM. Fantastic hahahaha.
When I woke up this morning I wasn't even hungry. So I just ate a grapefruit w/ honey and made myself coffee. I think I'm addicted to coffee now. I have no idea why either.

Yesterday was my last day of school. Some kids had to go in today if they still had a B period exam to take. But my biology teacher was nice enough to give us our B period exam on June 12th, hurray. All I know so far about my passing of classes is this; I passed English, Bio, P.E., and Global. I'm still nervous about my Spanish and Math classes. I really hope I pass both of them, so I can get a high amount of credits to become a Junior. If I fail one of those classes and pass one, then I'll still be a Junior but with a low amount of credits. And then if I fail both of the classes, then I'm still considered a Sophomore -_- There is no way Hell that I'll allow that...so, until my report card comes in then I'll just be a bit of a nervous wreck. And I promise myself that during the last two years of high school that I'll work my damn ass off.

This advertisement next to the typing box of Livejournal - is really disgusting. It says: PIZZA HUT P'zone STOPS HUNGER IN ITS TRACKS. A BIG EAT AT A TINY PRICE. $5.99. ONE POUND.
WHO THE HELL WANTS TO EAT SOMETHING THAT'S ONE POUND. I think the one pound thing just makes it more disgusting than it already looks. And is. Mmmm 5 million calories in a bite -.-

Yesterday after our global exam, we had an hour left over to socialize and have our "party". For the party you could bring a food from your heritage or whatever. And get 20 points extra credit. And it just dawned on me that if I brought in food, I would've gotten an 81 in global. But what the fuck, oh well. Anyway. This Italian girl (obviously) she brought in canollis (or however you spell the shits). You see I've never had a canolli, and my friend Justin just said that I should probably try it. Then after taking a bite out of the floppy nasty-ness. He said, "Canollis are what make Italians so fat." Me: "THANKS JUSTIN." But that's not why I didn't finish the canolli. Altogether these canollis this girl made...were just disgusting. Ugh, I had a stomach ache after eating a few bites of the thing. Justin told me that canollis aren't even suppose to be floppy. I don't ever want to eat a canolli again after yesterday's episode. They were just downright awful. I told Justin later, "Wow, she probably just gave all of us food poisoning. I can sure feel it coming now." Justin: "Those were probably sitting in the fridge for 2 months." Ewhh. Vomitvomitvomitvomitvomit all over the place.

Anyway, enough about bitching about how disgusting these canollis were. Ah yes! I got signed up for a gym again, but it's not the same one as before. Then I'm back in therapy. But, this time it's with the therapist that I was seeing for 2 years in school. Since she's not going back to my school, we decided to see her in the town next to mine.

And before I fell asleep yesterday for 15 hours I talked to more people I don't know online. Fantastic. But they're nice people. I think, hahaha.
Oh today I'm suppose to be going out with Ari to eat - we hoped to go out and eat sushi together. As a celebration for the whole last day of school thing. I love going out with Ari. She makes me so happy ^_^ - my bestest friend in the whole wide world<3 Holy shit, now that I think about it. Ari and I have been friends for almost 8 years now! That's one more to add to our celebration today!

Next Sunday my parents and I are going to my grandma's house for dinner. Then I'll be sleeping over her place, and the next day my grandma, maybe my grandpa (if he feels like coming), and I are going to the movies to see, "Get Smart". Weee.

Jessica is going to be moving really soon. I feel awful, mainly because time has flown by so quickly. Especially since the last time we talked about her moving. Which was back in March. It's already June. And she's moving by the end of this month, I think. All the way to freaking Utah. I know we haven't talked in a while. Since we never see each other in school, plus she's missed a lot of school recently. And that makes it all even worse for me because she lives right up the road from me. I've just been dumb -.- Despite that we haven't spoken a lot this year - I just know that I'm going to truly miss her. I've known Jessica since 3rd grade. She's lived right up the road from me for almost 8 years. And I'll always remember the first thing that made us become friends, lmao it was Dragonball Z and Pokemon. I remember the times we used to sit in her Mom's mini van battling against one another with our pokemon. And then her always kicking my ass when we played with our Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. And then whenever I'd sleepover her place, we'd wake up at 9 to go watch Pokemon on TV. Or Yu-Gi-Oh! Or when we would jump on her trampoline together - playing our pretend games. We'd make up these characters with super powers and make them "come to life". We'd always invent exciting plots. When we got older, we'd talk about the hairstyles we were planning on getting. And how we need to go shopping. And then we spray painted our road with a giant PENIS. Or underneath the bridge we'd also spray paint. Oh the bridge was our hang out place too. We'd go under there, and go running into the water with all of our clothes on. Afterwards, we'd smell like murky water and be completely drenched. And we'd walk home barefoot - laughing. The videos we recorded were hilarious. And we'd make the most disgusting foods together. Like Ragu cheese and pasta. And then we made this really disgusting pudding pie, afterwards mutilating it. Or when we had nothing better to do we would eat dog food, and cough it up. Calling each other freaks. Then Mrs. Racey's social studies class - freshman year. The time Mrs. Racey was teaching us about World War II, and how some of the gases were so strong it was like sniffing a fresh bottle of horseradish. And guess what - when the weekend came along Jessica and I snorted a bottle of horseradish. It was disgusting, but hilarious. Caught it all on video too. *sighs*, those were the days. Jessica is and always will be an amazing individual in my eyes. I'll always love her from the bottom of my heart. And I'll always keep her close in my mind. I hope that we'll call each other while she's a bunch of states away from me. And over the summer, she can stay at my house as long as she wants. I just want to keep talking with her for as long we can while she's gone.

Today is my first day of summer vacation. I think I'm going to paint my toenails and nails. And shave my legs and make them uber smooth, hahahaha. I'll go to the gym later today and work my ass off. Hopefully I'll burn 400 calories! I'll try to look all glamorous when I go out tonight with Ari. Maybe wear a dress hahaha. I haven't worn a dress in a while. But, I want today to be really special for me. And really relaxing. Also, sometime this week I'm going to call Jessica up and see if she wants to come over for a sleepover. Maybe we can take a walk to the bridge and go "swimming" in it. Then later, we'd rent a movie, make disgusting food, and watch the film while eating our raunchy foods. She'll sleepover. And we'll talk the whole night about everything. Before she moves I want to throw her a going-away party. Filled with cake and gifts. It'll probably consist of Ari and I. I want it to be small, but really special and worth while for Jessica.

Just thinking about Jessica moving away this month...makes me so sad.

OH CRAP. I just remembered that I can't spend the night at my grandma's house. Monday morning, I'm going to see Sara! *thinks* Shoot. I have to call back Vovogirl then (Vovogirl = my grandma). Change of plans I suppose. But, I can't stay too long at Sara's. I still have to plan that party for Jessica, plus go to the movies with my grandma. Wow, I realized I actually have plans for once. As all of you know - those who have been reading my journal. Or well, actually probably haven't been hah whatever. I was being "anti-social" for months. And I wasn't making any plans for a long time. So here I am. Making plans. I think I'm finally getting better ^_^

WELL. I'm going now. I feel like playing some FFX. And I just realized now that Malice Mizer is an amazing band. Where the Hell have I been?

Anonymous

2008-06-08T07:50:31Z

Last night I stayed up for most of the night to research something that I just found out. I feel so blind - especially since it has been going on for a while.

Anonymous vs. Scientology.

Apparently my sister showed me a video sent by Anonymous back in December to watch/listen to. I didn't remember that.

None of the less - I find Scientology to be the most disgusting "religion" ever. Actually, I shouldn't even call it a religion. They're murderers who act as though, human rights have never existed before. They make you believe you're "depressed" just because of some quiz their people take. And then they suck up your money to donate to their "church". Wow. Way to be "proud" of yourselves oh fabulous cult of Scientology - you're a thief and a murderer. And that Xenu alien and his whole "story" - is bullshit. Which reminds me, there's a Church of Scientology by my grandma's house. Barf in my mouth.

ANONYMOUS FOR THE HORDE.

Anywhom, I should probably be getting to bed soon. But I'm not tired at all. I can't go to bed at 4, or else I'll sleep until 1 or 2 PM. Can't let that happen especially when my mom has her day off. I remember when I stayed up until 5:30AM and I slept until 4:00PM the next day. She was so mad. Note to self: Never go to bed at 5:30AM when your mother doesn't go to work the next day.

Today I went to the fair/carnival with Ari by our mall. I bought a shirt at Forever21 since my low self esteem was kicking in. . . Later, we went on a bunch of rides. Which was epic by the way. Except I thought I was going to die on the Ferris Wheel. I'm deathly afraid of heights. But, this summer I'm planning on pushing myself to overcome that fear. Plus possibly learning how to swim since I don't know how. Anyway, all day was brutally hot. It was humid and disgusting. I can't stand hot weather. I should really move to Canada - it suits me. Then I can go to Anime North every year, ahahahaha. Love it.

Hm, it's cold in my house now. Since all of the windows are open, plus the fan is on - which is over my head, and then the massive fan that sucks up heat is on. That fan is in the hallway which leads to the bedrooms. And for the past four hours I've been at war with these big bugs. Like moths and flying beetles. One enormous moth landed on my knee when I was in the middle of watching a movie. I yelped and slapped the shit out of my knee. Which also reminds me - if I did hit that moth on my knee. I would have to scrape dead moth off of my knee. Eventually I massacered that moth. Along with five other bugs. What a monster I am.

*Spoiler for Death Note films and Death Note anime*
The movies I watched were, the first Death Note movie and Death Note: The Last Name. Both of them were epic. Light pissed me off as usual. And I cried when L died at the end of the movie (again I cry when I see L die. He's one of my favorite anime characters). At least Light died before him. Unlike the anime - but I'm still glad that Near and Mello finished up pwning him. Oh no major spoilers haha.

I'm not sure why but my least favorite looking symbol would have to be the peace sign. You know the sign with the circle and upside down Y. I just think it looks so lame. And then hippies bother the shit out of me. Hmm, I'm not attempting to be prejudice or whatever.

I'm going to bed. It's almost 4 now.

Funny Bunny

2008-06-05T14:13:26Z

OHHHHH MY STOMACH IS GROWLING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I'm really starving. I ate b-fest too. Special K Chocolatey Delight too! And a strawberry yogurt. Yet my stomach still insists that it isn't satisfied.

But what I really want to eat right now is....cake. Oh man could I use a good chocolate cake. With chocolate chips inside and chocolate frosting covering the cake. Like the ones from Big Y. Fook yeh.

So I'm listening to the Pillows, "Funny Bunny". I decided to change my research project for English to study Visual Kei. Since I found out that I wasn't that interested in Samurai. But don't get me wrong, I think Samurais are fascinating. But my interests are leaning more towards studying Visual Kei. Anywhom, while I was researching different visual kei bands. The Pillows came up. I remember hearing them when watching this anime Fooly Cooly. Really odd yet hilarious anime by the way. Despite that it was so short, oh well.

SO. I need something better to do with my life. I keep getting into arguments with my mom lately because I live a "unhealthy lifestyle". Since I spend about 7-8 hours on the computer everyday. She claims I'm depressed then she was reading my livejournal while I was in the midst of writing. I got pissed because: 1) I couldn't concentrate on my writing so I had to delete everything I did write. 2) It is overall none of her business. She started blaming my depression for one of my most recent friends, and how I devote all of my time and life to this person. Which isn't true. I acually haven't hung out with this person in a month and half now. And as far as I have noticed - I haven't been going out of my way to talk to anyone. My mom acted like she knew everything that was going on my life. She made up ridiculous assumptions for everything and said I'm really filled with hate. And then she started going on about how if someone reads my writing that someone is going to take me away. I probably shouldn't have said this, but I replied with, "Do you honestly think I care if I'm taken to some place else?" I just said that because I was in a fit of anger. I let my emotions get the best of me. That argument we both had was getting nowhere. Eventually I got kicked off the computer so I could go do my chores. - Bleh. Today when I come home from school I have to vaccum the stupid fucking house. I'm really not excited whatsoever. I hate vaccuming with a passion. Then it's off to the gym - whatever. Afterwards I go and do my homework. I hate having this ridiculous schedule that has been planned by someone else. I feel like a damn robot. Whatever, it's not like I can do anything about it. She's my mom afterall. And he's my dad.

Now I'm listening to this song called, "Tiny Boat" by the Pillows. I wish I was in a tiny boat right now. Drifting off into the sea - although I can't swim. I would take my chances anyway. I could have my own crew with me on that tiny boat. Consisting of my most loved ones. We could go on adventures. And I'd have a great big Newfoundland dog to keep us all company. He'd be my best friend on that tiny boat. I would be the happiest girl alive, sailing off into sea. Going on "adventures" - visiting the countries I've longed to visit. And being with my most favored people. *sighs* I can dream hah. We could all be absolutely insane even. We could become Super Villains all of us. Or maybe we can be like Robin Hood LOL.

Lets see...this coming Saturday morning I want it to be a special morning for me. Consisting of: Me sleeping in as late as I want. Then making myself a splendid breakfast while watching a good movie. Later I'll eat some fruit and go on a run. When I come home I'll finish up the little bits of exercising and do whatever chores I have to do. Clean my room maybe. All while blasting loud J-Rock or J-Pop music<3 All be home alone. It'll be wonderful. I'm so excited for my upcoming Saturday morning/ mid-afternoon.

I'll finish this up F period. BYE.

At A Loss Of Words

2008-06-03T00:09:07Z

Today was absolutely pointless.
School has just been moving so slowly. May took forever. And these last few weeks are going to move even slower.
My mom came into the computer room about an hour ago saying, "If you don't start helping around the house, then I'm kicking you out." I could feel anger in my chest beginning to flicker wildly. What the fuck was that all about? And then she thinks I'm just fooling around on the computer when I'm really writing a speech for the debate tomorrow. Plus I have an english assignment to work on. She says, "You're going to vaccum this entire floor." Immediately the anger exploded inside my chest.

I'm currently working on setting up my debate that is tomorrow for Global Studies. I also have to write a speech for it since I'm representing Kazakhstan. It's about the U.N., and whether or not we should boycott China during the olympics. As you know the country that was given to me was Kazakhstan. Every article I've found on Kazakhstan's opinion on the whole China Olympics thing was that - Kazakhstan agrees with China and wants to support them still. It's really difficult to attempt to defend something when you disagree with them completely. And in my G period global, I'm known for kicking kid's asses with my amazing rebuttals during debates. I don't want to screw up my winning streak with the debates. And I have a feeling that tomorrow I'm going to lose.
Fan-fucking-tastic.

At the moment my chest feels locked up. Really tight. I can't describe the anger thats pulsating underneath my ribs and flesh. Hence why I'm at a loss of words right now. I can't describe it. Today my head isn't fogged up. It's just filled with swirling anger. I want to be left alone. And I just want to get my schoolwork done. And then I just want to go running, take a shower, and get into bed. Without dinner. I don't care about dinner. Fuck it. I feel like I'm drifting back into that fairytale mind-set that I've been struggling with for months now. It's back again. It's like a monster rampaging through my head. A damned spirit sucking out the warm blood from my body. I feel my elbows shaking. My back elongating into a curve. My eyes are shutting tighter than ever. My fingers too weak to form a fist. To weak to defend myself from that rampaging monster. My lips forming a pout all of the time. When I look into the mirror, staring back at that hideous complexion I own - that I am forced to wear every day. I see the dark shadows racing up around my eyes. Forming deep circles. I wake up each night and morning in a cold sweat. My muscles aching. Throughout the night the monster gnaws at my muscles and bones.

I want to be by myself. I can't help myself from thinking further and further into my "future". I don't want to get married. I don't want to have children. I hate that psychic in Brazil. I hate the people who talk about my future behind my back. I hate them. I'm tired. And I can't help myself from thinking about just giving up everything. Both the present and the future just feel like heavy weights upon my shoulders. I hate the essence and sounds of people around me. The people I don't want near me every day. The people I'm forced to see every day. They make that monster inside angry, causing her to gnaw on my bones and puncture my heart. I can feel the blood pumping out of my heart, rapidly changing to liquid of anger.
My blood is boiling.

I'm just... really, really tired.

Epiphany

2008-06-02T00:28:50Z

So I just had the biggest epiphany I've ever had in my entire life. And let me tell you was it BRILLIANT. So brilliant that I think I'm going to write this all out in pink!

Okay. Well now that my font is pink I can explain my epiphany to you lot. Wow I've never written in any other color on this site before - besides from Black. Except black is a shade. So it technically doesn't count, but anyway.

MY EPIPHANY. INCLUDING MY MAJOR GOALS THAT I'M REALLY GOING TO TAKE ACTION ON COMPLETING.

Well after a long movie with Ari at the local theatre in town - we watched "Sex In The City". It wasn't bad, kind of cute. And to be perfectly honest I think that film is what helped me with this major epiphany. Also another thing that has helped me with my epiphany was my entire amazing weekend with my best friend. Ari. Ari really helped me with this. She's been my one and only best friend for the longest time (besides from Sara, rofl). But I mean god...FINALLY I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH HER. I felt like I haven't hung out with Ari in so long. BUT YES. Explainations.

I'm going to really push all of the un-needed people out of my life. All of the people who give me no desire for anything. All of the people who I can't successfully have an intelligent conversation with. All of the people who are incredibly dependent on men. All of the people who really don't care about their future at all. All of the people who make the stupidest decisions by far. All of those people - I'm pushing them out of my life. I don't care for them one bit, I don't love them one bit. They don't help me and they don't even help themselves. I almost pity them. Another thing, one of my goal for the summer is to drop 15 pounds. I'm going to go on a very intense diet and exercise for 3 months straight. Then I'm going to save up my money for an semi attractive and fuel efficient car. Plus clothes. A lot of clothes. The clothes I'll buy will be the most abstract and attractive things, and I've already found some fabulous websites to purchase them on. Thus I'm just going to grow my hair out. Grow it to my elbows. And cut it in an edgy and attractive fashion. I'm also planning on saving up some money to take speech classes, to perfect my speech. I'm tired of seeing myself stutter, and pause, and mutter stupidly. I want to have lovely grammer and have speech that flows. Besides from growing my hair out and losing weight over the summer - I'm going to buy a bunch of books on how to learn/speak Japanese. Also Portugese; I don't want to just speak English. I mean come on I'm Brazilian too. I have a whole other family down in Brazil too! Not just in the U.S. I should start learning how to speak "my other language" now too. Then over the summer I'm going to get a job and try to work a lot. When I lose 15 pounds I'll go and get my hips pierced as my reward!

Once school begins. I'm going to study and work really hard in school. Then I'll join Indoor track; while organizing my schedule for my job and sports. While maintaining a good diet and exercise. When my first report card comes in with good grades, I'm going to then reward myself with an Industrial piercing. Throughout my school year, I'm going to work really hard in school and at my job. Hopefully (half way throught the year) I'll have already saved up my money to pay, for at least half the price for a car. If that makes any sense.

I'm going to promise myself to not get involved with the incredibly DUMB and BITCHY people in my school. Also not to involve myself with pointless relationships. And not to stoop so low for boy's favors - unlike most of the girls I know. Sure I'll go on some innocent dates. Maybe I'll have a stupid boyfriend in the future - then again I probably won't even have time for a boyfriend. Which to be perfectly honest, I'm quite happy about rofl. But my social life will consist of the fabulous people that are already in it. At this point in time I'm really not open to have more friends. Especially not as close friends.

My taste and interest in clothes has really dramatically changed. It's all been influenced by the Japanese fashion.

OHHHH I'll wear multi-color clip in hair extentions everyday. I don't give a shit. I'll dye my hair dark. I'll wear incredibly insane and abstract clothes everyday. I'll make myself the biggest minority in my school. In all of my town. Because I do not give a shit anymore about what people think of me. I already come into school with the messiest and biggest hair in school. I already have people stare in shock at me even more about it. Why not increase that status I've been given. I mean it is my trademark, most people have already gotten used to it already. So why not take it up a few notches. Amaze people. I'll have more absurd looks. More shit talked about me. But what the fuck, I'll feel GREAT in the end. I'll finally like the way I look. I want to surprise people. I want to step way outside of the box. I want to be me. I'LL FINALLY BE MYSELF. I'll show off yeah. I'll definitely show it off. And in the end, the goal I'll have attained will be that I'll finally love myself. Because next year my official goal will be to show the world who I really am. I'm sick of hiding. Next year I'll show those fuckfaces whose brilliant.

ANYWAY. I'm finished. And I'm not upset that I ate a ginormo-sundae today. Or twizzlers. Or pizza. Because I'm going to burn it all off starting tomorrow and for the next three months! SO HAH.

Ah yes I went to the mall with Ari yesterday! This is what I got while I was there:
- Pink clip in hair extentions.
- A cute cellphone keychain
- Blue skeletal/robotic-like t-shirt
- Thick blue bracelets (came as a pair)
- Long string of fake pearls
- Size 6 metal gauges
- Black liquid eyeliner, white eyeliner, and purple eyeliner
- Raspberry mint gum, lawl

WOW. I got a lot of stuff yesterday. But it certainly was a well-deserved day for Ari and I. My legs really hurt by the end of the day, rofl.

BYE.