eurekahakuro

I will no longer be using this livejournal. I have moved on. And this journal only reminds of the shit I loathe, and have dealt with already. I've buried it all and moved on.

I have a new livejournal though.

You can try to find it if you want.
I doubt you'll even be able to find it anyway.

Hah, don't expect me to give you my username though :]

We have to write about Moral Perfection for my English class.
In MY opinion. I think its impossible to achieve moral prefection in the 21st century. Since my generation has so many influences stricken upon it. Such as...Sex, drugs, alcohol, television, public schools, politics, etc. When back in Benjamin Franklin's day, they had schools that could only teach 12 kids, etc. And there were no televisions, and back then, families were always together. Working. Not many people in North America would really know what's going on back in England. So, whether their King is trying to plot their doom.....Well they won't know. During Ben Franklin's time, time was limited. So, its easier to achieve "Moral Perfection". But, I'm sure even he was a sinner. Nobody is perfect.

But. That doesn't stop me from growing disgusted with kids my age. Despite how "un-perfect" (Not a word, I know) they are. I'm not perfect. I loathe perfectionists actually. But, I don't drink or do drugs, and I don't fool around =] Dumb sluts.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........................I can't wait to graduate. I want to leave, ASAP. College, Japan, and Seoul here I come :3

Today. I went to church with my parents and grandparents. After we went to eat lunch. But, we really ate a breakfast our lunch. I was so full afterwards x_x I've been trying to watch what I eat lately. Since, I wanna drop about 10 pounds or so. By, December 1st I'm going to go back to the gym. To help me achieve that goal, but also so I can build up some muscle for Softball in the Spring. Eek, report cards came out recently. I hope I did okay.

Uhh. I'm tired. I still have to start my paper for English, make up another aphorism, and write my post for the RPG. While I was at church, I really felt like writing. But, obviously I couldn't lawl.

I don't even know why I'm posting in this. I think I want to make a new livejournal. To get away from the people I once knew. I don't want them reading my shit, and all. But. I'm also real lazy. OH OH. And Obama is the new president, EPICWIN. I'm so happy. I usually never paid attention to things like that. But, ever since I took Civics class this year. I've been more interested in it. Also, JFK and Bobby Kennedy were Epic. I did my project on JFK for Civics, and I think I did really well. And what he and his brother accomplished, is amazing. Aside from paying attention to political things, I was also paying attention to the Olympics over the summer. I never use to care for that.

I guess that's just me getting older. Hurrayyy.

Oh my birthday is in exactly 2 months from today. I'm gonna be 17. Weee. I don't want another party like I had last year. That was fucking Hell. I hated that shit. Waste of my damn time. Way too insane for my taste, and people bitched plus there were a thousand attention whores... you know. Lulz. This year I'm probably just going to  hang out with, Ari, Rachy, Eileen, and Brandon. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's it. And we can go eat Japanese f00dz. WINN. That'd be the best birthday ever. Then, I wanna see my sister. So. Yeah.

I'm sleepy. Did I already mention that? I think I did.

My mommy had a dream about me last night. It was...weird. But, she liked it. She dreamt that I was in my early 30's or so. And I gave birth to an "adorable, chubby, baby girl". And apparently I looked attractive in my 30s, with perfect skin, long wavy hair, blahblah. She and I were bickering about how she's taking control. Like she wouldn't let me change my own baby. My mommy said that that dream was so cute, and everything. But, I didn't feel the same way about it. Me giving birth? Just doesn't really make me happy. I suppose that's just because I'm 16 years old and not in my late 20's. Then again I can't see me at age 30, settling and shit. I feel as though I'd be so ordinary. My entire life so obnoxious and plain. With screaming children, and then I'd be some guidance counselor or some shit. Dealing with obnoxious teenagers who are probably just making up half that shit to skip class. *sigh*

I honestly don't want to grow up. I do, but at the sametime I don't. It scares me. I mean I still would like to go to college, get a job and whatnot. But, settling down? Getting married? Having children? God damn that's so much shit. Alright I'm done bitching. Its creepying me out x__x

I'm feeling quite...Imaginative today. With a little bit of determination. Hence the Abarai Renji avatar.
I need to sleep.

But, as I was saying about my nightmare.
I was running back and forth along a rooftop of a castle. The castle was so high-up that I couldn't even see the ground below me. It was really windy out and the sky was cloudy and gray. I was running back and forth because this strange creature was chasing me. It wore a long black cloak, so I couldn't see its face. Its long pale arms that had translucent looking skin, stretched out towards me. Trying to grab me. Its claws were like thick talons. As it chased me it made an eerie screeching sound.

I was trembling and sweating. And I couldn't scream for help. My voice felt blocked.

And once the creature finally got a hold of me - its arms wrapped around my body like a snake. Its claws digging into my wrists and chest. I began to vomit uncontrolably. Large amounts of blood and bile. I couldn't stop.

I finally woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I found blood in my bed.

Last night I had the same dream. Only I just woke up in a cold sweat once again.

I think its the Monster. And this time its chasing me in my sleep.

I really haven't posted in quite sometime now. I'm so very sorry livejournal. Bah.

Hmm... so school has already started for me... Obviously. And I'm actually trying in school this time. I do all of my work, and I hand it all in on time. I think its great. Ah yes I also finally got a job. Its been going great for me for a while now. Until I got a call from Yi Quan last night telling me that Mei Jing wants to cut my hours by five. I was so pissed. I only work five hours a week for two days. That is ridiculous. I want my 10 hours + 4 days back! Whatever, I'll talk to her more about it tomorrow. I mean come on, I can't be that bad. I've only been working there for four days now. And they just threw me into the fire, and gave me no training. So for a noob, I would say that I was doing a pretty good job at my work.

Ah yes. And as for Comicvine - I would say I'm getting fairly well known there. I guess. I mean my character is pretty Epic. Anyway. So, today I got into this debate with this asshole of a moderator in one of the threads. Well, I'm sorry Mister Moderator that you prefer sluts over brains AKA Starfire (Slut) vs Oracle (Brain). And Oracle is the fucking shit<3

I want to be tough.
I want to be reckless.
I want to be intelligent.
I want to be stunning.
I want to be open-minded.
I don't want to give a shit about them anymore.

Today in Civics we watched a documentry on 9/11. I've seen some shows and a few documentries on 9/11 in the past. But, by far. This was one of the worst and most graphic ones I have ever seen. I had to clench my teeth tightly together so that I wouldn't start crying in the middle of class. Throughout the documentry it showed live footage and clips of: Voicemails, Phone calls, the employees of the World Trade Center jumping out of the building, an interview with Osama Bin Laden, court hearings, protestors, and more. You see...My family lost someone in 9/11, and her name was Sandra Fajardo. If my judgemental aunt Jean wasn't my Godmother it would have been Sandra. I lost Sandra when I was in fifth grade. And the last time I got to spend any time with her was at my house ~ it was my mom, Sandra, and I. I was playing with a grasshopper while my mom and Sandra walked around the yard and talked...and laughed. Sandra walked over to the bench I was sitting on and got grossed out about the grasshopper. Because I kept showing it to her and talking about it. Then the grasshopper jumped into her dress, which was really amusing at my age. She hopped around just like that grasshopper, and she tried to shake it out of her dress. Sandra slept over that same night. She slept in my bedroom, which was when I had two twin sized beds in there. I woke up the next morning, and Sandra was already awake. I asked her where she worked, and she told me that she worked in New York City ~ in the World Trade Center. The first building on the very top floor. I didn't know what she did there, because I didn't understand all of it at that age.

When September 11th came around ~ all of the schools had early dismissal - immediately. No one had any idea about what was going on. So I laughed on the bus with my friends. Not having a care in the world. When I got home my whole family was seated at the couch - watching the news intently. I still, had no idea about what was going on.
My mom had tried to call Sandra, but no one picked up the phone...
She left for New York City with Sandra's sister Wanda. The two spent about two weeks in the city looking for Sandra. Going to hospitals, arguing with people, searching, searching, and searching everywhere for Sandra. My Aunt Stacey babysat us while she was away. And when she came back, I remember then. Even after 7 years I remember the look on my mother's face when she walked through the doors. I was so happy to see her despite the dreaded and mournful look painted across my mother's face. There were deep circles underneath her big brown eyes. Her face looked older, as though it had aged quickly. Her body look slim and fragile. She smelled like the city and her personal lovely scent, untouched by perfumes. She came over to my brother, sister, and I. Telling us that she didn't find Sandra. That Sandra was gone. Pedro began to cry immediately. I stared at his face, as it scrunched up and turned bright red. I remember feeling so many mixed emotions inside me.

My mother had lost her best friend.
I had lost my would-have-been-godmother.
We had lost the woman who was like our 2nd mother.
I remember my mom embracing us; whereas I eventually began to cry. Stacey stood by the couch awkwardly, not knowing what to do in that situation.

I remember going to the funeral for Sandra. My father had written something for her. Not like a memorial type of writing. But a letter to Sandra. My father has always been well-known in our family for his wonderful writing, that could bring someone to tears easily. I was with Ari - my best friend at the funeral. I didn't cry the entire time throughout the funeral. I just listened to spoken words that I could not understand. The tearful cries that escaped people's lips. Towards the end of the funeral thats when I started.

A few years later. I was at Church, it was Ash wednesday. The thought of ashes that day made me think of Sandra. The fact that she was killed on impact because of the planes. I started to cry in the middle of the service. I think I was in 6th or 7th grade then.

So Sandra. I really wish I could have spent more time with you. I really wish that I could have gone to your apartment 8 years ago.I wish you could have watched me grow up. I wish you could come to my graduation in 2010. I really wish that I could talk to you right now. I really wish that I could see you right now. I'm never going to forget those last moments we had spent together 7 years ago. I really miss you. I really miss how you used to play with my long hair. Call me your own "daughter". Give me affection, affection that really felt like a mother's love. I miss your laughter, and your voice that had a hint of raspy-ness to it. You were always so much fun.

R.I.P: Sandra 9/11

One day. I was outside in the garden with my mommy.
We were picking flowers for Arianna's father, whose mother had passed away.
A grasshopper was watching us upon one of the leaves of the flowers.
She was a lovely green color.
Her name was Sandra.

Last night I laid in bed; I was still awake. My eyes were closed. And I laid there watching those pale figures dance behind my eyelids. All of the figures holding hands. Some of the figures stood very straight, while some of the others slumped over. They all held hands still. They had no faces. And they resembled marrionette puppets. Wisps of gold and silver clouded my mind. I could hear the slight rustles outside of my bedroom door. The murmurring of the television set in my parents room. Zippers ripping open and shutting quickly. Suitcases. My Dad's chuckle to the TV's talk. My Mom silent as she packed for her trip. My sister settled into bed at my Grandparent's house, with her laptop on and running.

And then there I was. Laying in bed making an attempt to fall asleep. Wishing that I could just sleep the days away.
Forever.

Lacrimosa dies illa

Qua resurget ex favilla

Judicandus homo reus.

Huic ergo parce, Deus:

Pie Jesu Domine

English:

Tearful that day

On which will rise from ashes

Guilty man for judgment.

So have mercy, O God, on this person.

Compassionate Lord Jesus

^ I just really liked that hymn ~ apparently its from the 13 century.
I listened to it for the first time in D. Grey-Man (episode 5).

^ Name of a Dir En Grey song. I had no idea what to make as the subject - and I hate leaving the subject blank. By the way that song is just super!

Yeahh. I haven't posted in a while. Oh well.

I have therapy today. Wooo. And then I'm going to the gym afterwards - my grandma is taking me there.

I guess I've been "out and about" lately. I was at my grandma's house with my sister all last weekend. I got my hair trimmed (it doesn't look that much different, just the dead ends are gone). What I hate about my hair though - is that my mom has to go on about how "normal" looking it is now and how much "better it looks now". What? You know I don't do normal mommy. Gtfo away from my hair now.

I'm not going to NC with Rachy anymore. Some stuff came up between her mother and I, and I'll just leave that the way it is. But, I really hope Rachy has a good time in NC :o) I would have loved to go with her.

I had a job interview with Hot Topic recently. It was a nervewrecking for me. I thought I was going to throw up on the table in the middle of the interview. Hmm that'd be real pleasant. They'd certainly remember by face if that happened, lawl. They called me back last Saturday telling me that the position was already filled. To my surprise I wasn't upset at all - in fact I kind of didn't care. I somewhat prepared myself for it. Besides I learned from it, etc. But, the manager said that if I'm still interested in the job that he could call me in September. In August he really needed one more position filled because it was going to be crazy. But in September he said to me that they're going to need more people. Hurray. I'm still handing in my application to Rite Aid :P I just want a job.

My allergies are horrible. My sinuses are all sore too. Then while I was reading the BB Murder Cases today, I couldn't stop sneezing. I thought my throat was going to explode or something. Gah I have a headache right now.

So lately - I've been attempting to distance myself from CV. It's time consuming and I need to start preparing myself for school. The day school starts I'm going to ask my dad to put a password on the computer. So then I can focus more of my time in my studies and whatnot. I want to try to keep all of my grades to a B - and not any lower. Then I can start practicing to study for tests. My last two years of high school are going to be really time consuming. Especially since I want to play softball for the school. And before softball season starts I'm hoping to take up Muay Thai kickboxing in Danbury. I just hope that I can afford it and they'll accept me into the school - based on my age, etc. Plus I'm hopefully going to be working by then.

And I need money really soon. I need to start saving up for the convention in September! It'll be Sara, Ari, and I. Wee ^^

Ahh let me tell you. I really need to change my look. It's so boring. I look like everyone else in this stupid town. Hmmm.

I was at Ari's a few days ago and I was looking up stuff on the Uccon website. I really want to go there by the way. They offer a foreign exchange student thing for the academic year, fall and spring to Japan. God I want to do that so badly. You need a 3.0 average to do so. They don't even offer scholarships for it (who knows if they ever will?). All I know is that I really really want to go to that. It'll be an amazing experience and I would finally be able to experience the culture, the people, and the country that I'm so in love with.

It is impossible to defeat death. Death is indestructible. People die to create new life. People die for the world to keep on "spinning". Death is inevitable. I'm not quite sure as to why I was thinking about Immortality today. Well...wait. I got myself back on track to reading Immortal Rain again, and I bought volume four of the series (finally). As I was re-reading the volumes I have now, I had never realized that this book is so emotionally draining. The immortal man Rain lived such a sad life, and Machika is so in love with him. The two are both in love with one another. And yet Yuca is a Methuselah, and he comes back every 600 years, and his goal is for him and Rain to die together with the world. I feel bad for Yuca, but at the sametime I detest him. He is such a selfish person. But, I bet he was always so lonely. To be born time and time again. In a new era, and remembering everything from his past. Anyway, I was looking up some stuff online about Immortality. I can't believe that scientists actually try to figure out and have immortality actually become successful. I can only see faults with the subject of Immortality. Immoritality and becoming a Methuselah in general is so tiring; it is such a lonely subject. It is impossible. And complex to an extent. 

In general I have always been utterly confused on my opinions and affections of religion. My entire family believes in God, and most of them are strong Christian believers. I mean...I believe in God. But, not so much that I will depend on him. And put everything into "God's hands". No, I will put it into my hands and trust myself. I will be the one to figure things out. I will be the one to guide myself in whatever path I decide to take. I will be the leader. I will not follow. I don't believe that people go to Heaven nor Hell whether or not they had commit sins throughout their lives. This world is not perfect. I feel like people are going to yell at me for saying such things heh >.<;; Anyway, I believe in reincarnation. Not the reincarnation that, 'if you make good choices throughout your life then when you are born again you will live a happy life, but if you make bad choices throughout your life, then when you are born again, you will then live a unhappy life'. Not that sort of reincarnation. A friend of mine asked me why I believed in reincarnation the other day. My full answer is this: I do not believe that you live one life and that is it. I believe that you live various lives. And new souls are reborn every few years. I feel as though my soul is an aged soul, that has lived many lives. Because whether I'm reading, listening, watching, acting out something, in certain cases it feels so strongly familiar to me. It's not even dejavu. It's as though I have experienced that in the past. As though I have lived and physically experienced whatever it was before. For example: In my past life I believe that I was once a hyena. Strange and almost an ugly-like animal to pick. It sounds so strange, but...When I was younger and up until I was almost 11 years old, I use to run up the stairs on all fours perfectly. Except, I walked like a hyena. My back arched and strange. When I was little I used to act like an animal ahahahaha. But that's not the point; I remember one day I was running up the stairs. And the experience just felt too similar. It wasn't like the other thousand times I've ran up the stairs on all fours like a lunatic. It was as though I was once that mangey animal. As though I was staring through the eyes of it. Heh I bet the world thinks I'm crazy ._.;;

As I was reading Immortal Rain (vol 4) tonight, the first page really caught my eye. It had said:

God said,
"Live"
"Love"
"Fight"
"Kill"
"Eat"
"Give Birth"
"Repeat"

We were bound in chains.

The world was made by people and it overflowed till we could no longer breathe.

We didn't know.

That God left us here.

Yet we continue to dance the endless dance.

Even when both of our legs are covered in blood.

Reading that made me feel, so....out of place. That's not the correct choice of words for what I was feeling at that moment. But, even so, I still felt, I suppose apathetic is the correct choice of words? My mind went blank. I knew Yuca was the one who, of course was the character who would "feel those words" best. 

Last night I couldn't sleep well at all. Despite that everything was set just the way I like it in the room, I just had a very difficult time sleeping. More so than usual. The room was pitch black minus the lighted numbers from the air conditioner. Plus the AC was on, making the room cold. I was sleeping on the floor like I normally enjoy. I was also listening to my iPod. 
I was staring up into the dark again. And my arms began to ache. I felt the monster's long fingers stretched out for my eyes. It's claws reaching for me. I started to cry. I couldn't shut my eyes. I couldn't look away from those clawed fingers. The claws that ache to peel flesh from bone. The flesh it hasn't tasted in so long. I wanted to scream and run downstairs. I wanted to shove my arms in water so cold it burned. I wanted to sit outside and feel the humidity wrap me up. But, instead I hugged my body tight. And I turned on to my side. Eventually I fell asleep, I'm thinking around 5:30AM-ish. I fell asleep crying. Fucking pussy :/

Today (well er yesterday more like it) I hung out with my sister Sara, yay. The night before we saw Batman at the midnight showing. And it was fecking AMAZING. Gahh, we rammed into people as we tried to make our way through the crowd of people seated. Well Sara bumped into this lady. The lady made a fit about it, and Sara just said, "Sorry lady it IS dark in here after all". The theatre seemed to get a kick out of it, rofl. I actually may see Batman again tomorrow, but with Rachy and her little friends from Whiteplains. Blah, I hope it's not awkward tomorrow. Any who, Sara and I also went to the mall and Borders today. We (mostly she did actually) talked to the guy at Hot Topic for a while about Comics and whatnot. It was interesting to see Sara get into comics like that ^^ It reminded me of myself when I talk about anime for hours, heh. She bought shoe laces, the Batman anime DVD, Batman action figures, and pocky. I bought Immortal Rain at Borders, where we ended up spending about an hour and 15 minutes in...the anime department lawl I probably could've stayed in there longer, knowing me x__x